Women in Financial Services
Dr Alessandra Wall - Mastering Difficult Conversations Part I: Three Reasons Women Avoid Tough Conversations
Katie.Dix / 28 Aug 2019
Mastering Difficult Conversations Part I: Three Reasons Women Avoid Tough Conversations
How many complex situations do you navigate every day? One, four, 14? Whether it's convincing your reluctant preteen to take a shower without shaming him for his noxious aroma, sharing a poor performance review with an employee, or pitching a radically new idea to a client who doesn't like change, difficult conversations are an unavoidable part of the adult human experience.
And yet, for many women, the thought of assertively addressing tough topics rates somewhere between mildly distressing and downright terrifying. Unfortunately, avoiding difficult conversations is not a viable option for most adults. This is especially true for professional women for whom choosing to steer away from uncomfortable subjects can lead to missed career opportunities, loss of income, poor relationships and crippling anxiety that can land them on the proverbial therapist's couch.
Three Big Reasons Difficult Conversations Are So Difficult For Women
[...] women are quite capable of speaking assertively, forcefully and even aggressively if they have to.
By their very nature, difficult conversations are uncomfortable, but for women, discussions that are potentially charged can feel especially challenging. Despite this discomfort, women are quite capable of speaking assertively, forcefully and even aggressively when they have to. So why do my female clients and patients - not to mention friends and family members - hold back from speaking up when they most need to?
>>> In a nutshell, they care about others, they want to be liked, and they're tired of having to prove themselves.
We Care About Others
Women can be quite assertive when speaking on behalf of others. It's only when we have to ask for what we need, when we are the ones to directly benefit from a negotiation or an inquiry, that our ability to say what we mean and mean what we say falters.
The reason is simple, advocating for ourselves - negotiating a promotion, setting a firm boundary with a colleague or a friend - requires us to prioritize our needs at the cost of someone else's. This poses a dilemma for women who, for better or for worse, are still socialized (or maybe inherently driven) to care for others before themselves.
As long as self-interest gets equated with selfishness and women assume it is our responsibility to make everything right for everyone else, we will struggle with conversations where we are expected to do what's right for us.
We Want to Be Liked
All children are encouraged to be nice and play collaboratively with others. For most girls, however, "be nice" isn't just a mere parental request, it is a mandate, an imperative to becoming a successful woman. To be liked and likable, we are taught, is what matters most. So from a very early age, women are urged to be pleasant, engaging and friendly towards all.
Conversations that involve confronting others, pointing out negatives, setting limits, or saying no are difficult because they challenge everything we have been taught to do as nice girls. And strange as it might seem, adult women buy into those overgeneralize and simplistic childhood lessons about empathy, social grace, and niceness. The imperative to be likable and to not upset or discomfort others is one of the most common reasons grown women hold back from having difficult conversations.
We're Tired of Having to Explain
Ask almost any woman and she'll tell you that she feels compelled to prove, justify, maybe even systematically defend her perspective when she speaks up. There's a burden of proof - real or imagined - that gets exhausting over time.
1. Like it or not, women who speak up still get dismissed, interrupted or discounted disproportionately to men. Repeated experiences with this phenomenon has taught us that being heard requires not only a valid perspective but the willingness to assert, reassert, defend and prove their point.
2. There's a great chapter in Yuval Noah Harari's Sapiens on the historical justifications for keeping women out of politics, science, and the workforce. Not smart enough, too weak, too emotional, to be admitted into the most male circles, women have had to repeatedly prove and affirm their competence.
That burden of proof might be lesser today, but it has not vanished. We're still questioned on our commitment to work after motherhood, our ability to perform stoically in emotionally stressful assignments, and mansplaining, as benign as it may seem, is a constant reminder that unconsciously some still assume women just can't get it on their own.
The prospect of having to state, prove and reassert our point in a back and forth volley with another outspoken communicator can be exhausting, stopping women in their tracks before any type of conversation has even started. This is especially true if the point we're advocating is a matter of perspective or a hypothesis yet to be proven.
1000 Other Reasons Women Avoid Difficult Conversations
In addition to these universal factors, women have a thousand other reasons for shying away from tough topics and difficult conversations.
[Nearly every single woman] has been rewarded for avoiding conflict and punished for confronting unpleasant issues...
A Childhood Lesson
When I was 11 my best friend and I were inseparable. On the eve of my 12th birthday, with no explanation, that friendship ended. A year later we reconnected, then again when I was 15 the friendship ended seemingly overnight only to resume the following year. There was no cataclysmic event, not even a fight, to explain the fallouts. Both times it was later revealed that the reasons for the 'break-up' were minor differences that could have been resolved with a bit of honest talking. And both times the path back to friendship came only by avoiding uncomfortable conversations about hurt, boundaries, expectations, and openness.
Although this is my personal story, I've heard hundreds of variations on this theme from women I've worked with throughout the years. Each one shared not just one but several significant experiences where she has been rewarded for avoiding conflict and punished for confronting unpleasant issues or broaching difficult topics.
Overcoming the Engrained
When you factor in personal experiences and universal pressures, it's no wonder that as adults even the most assertive women struggle to speak their minds, argue their perspectives and challenge people who have any kind of influence or authority over them. Although understanding those reasons is helpful, the most important factor in learning to speak up in difficult situations is choosing to show up differently in your interactions.
Which I'll cover in Part II of Mastering Difficult Conversations (coming soon)...
About Dr. Alessandra Wall:
Alessandra is a clinical psychologist, coach, and international speaker.
Alessandra works with smart, driven professional women who want to make a real impact professionally and personally, but feel limited, undervalued and stuck.
You can book an introductory conversation with Alessandra to discuss how she can support you. Alternatively, please contact Katie to discuss in more detail.
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